The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

This movie is basically one junior high phallic joke after another. Plus, a dude who is not Hugh Grant gets his junk bitten by a fanged woman. Male genital mutilation in movies is now officially a trend. 2 - Meh

Director: Ken Russell
Cast: Amanda Donohoe, Hugh Grant, Catherine Oxenberg
Rated R
93 minutes

Main Street on the March! (1941)

Go USA! Defeat the Axis powers! 3 - Good

Director: Edward L. Cahn
Cast: John Nesbitt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, George C. Marshall
Unrated
20 minutes

Forrest Gump (1994)

The part where he sits on the stump staring out into space while the feather blows around always creeps me out. 4 - Excellent

Director: Robert Zemeckis
Cast: Tom Hanks, Robin Wright Penn, Gary Sinise, Mykelti Williamson, Sally Field
Rated PG-13
142 minutes

Boxcar Bertha (1972)

I once saw a documentary about Martin Scorsese where he said that he got yelled at by a film professor for making this. All I really remember about this movie is that Barbara Hershey slides out of her clothes a few times. 2 - Meh

Producer: Roger Corman
Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Barbara Hershey, David Carradine, Barry Primus, Bernie Casey, John Carradine
Rated R
88 minutes

Gummo (1997)

Don't watch this movie if you really like cats or concrete storylines. 3 - Good

Director: Harmony Korine
Cast: Jacob Sewell, Nick Sutton, Jacob Reynolds, Chloë Sevigny, Wendall Carr
Rated R
89 minutes

11:14 (2003)

This is the second movie I've seen this month where a dude loses part of his, uh, bits and pieces. I hope this isn't becoming a trend. 2 - Meh

Director: Greg Marcks
Cast: Barbara Hershey, Colin Hanks, Hilary Swank, Patrick Swayze, Shawn Hatosy, Rachael Leigh Cook
Rated R
85 minutes

La jetée (1962)

Hopefully other film makers can learn something by watching this. Just think of how many other movies would be better if they were only 28 minutes long. 4 - Excellent

Director: Chris Marker
Cast: Jean Négroni, Hélène Chatelain, Davos Hanich, Jacques Ledoux
Unrated
28 minutes

Chariots of Fire (1981)

Be prepared for lots of running scenes. 2 - Meh

Director: Hugh Hudson
Cast: Nicholas Farrell, Nigel Havers, Ian Charleson, Ben Cross, Daniel Gerroll, Ian Holm, John Gielgud
Rated PG
124 minutes

CSPAN never looked so good

Why are boring television shows more interesting with the sound off?

Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)

I bet you didn't know that Dee Snider is in this movie. Or that Phil Hartman was one of the writers. Well, now you do. 3 - Good

Director: Tim Burton
Cast: Paul Reubens, Elizabeth Daily
Rated PG
90 minutes

Oldboy (2003)

If you like weird Asian movies where people get their teeth ripped out, then this movie is for you. 4 - Excellent

Director: Chan-wook Park
Cast: Min-sik Choi, Ji-tae Yu, Hye-jeong Kang, Dae-han Ji, Seung-Shin Lee
Rated R
120 minutes

Tit for Tat (1935)

This time Oliver's hat gets cut in two with a deli slicer by the grocer that they are feuding with. 3 - Good

Director: Charley Rogers
Cast: Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy
Unrated
19 minutes

Once Upon a Time in America (1984)

In this film a young and very beautiful Jennifer Connelly grows up to be an average looking Elizabeth McGovern. Definitely a tragedy of the highest order. Seek out the uncut version. 4 - Excellent

Director: Sergio Leone
Cast: Robert De Niro, James Woods, Jennifer Connelly, Elizabeth McGovern, Joe Pesci, Burt Young
Rated R
229 minutes

Le million (1931)

This is the freshest, most original movie I've seen in quite a while. And it's from 1931. I think maybe that I need to get out more. 5 - Outstanding

Director: René Clair
Cast: Annabella, René Lefèvre
Unrated
81 minutes

Necropolis (1987)

This is the only movie I've ever seen that contains a woman with six breasts. Downside: They are really fake looking and oozing a disgusting ectoplasmic fluid. 0 - Bomb

Director: Bruce Hickey
Cast: LeeAnne Baker, Michael Conte, Jacquie Fitz
Rated R
77 minutes

Thank You For Smoking (2005)

I despise smoking, but by the end of this movie I was puffing away and passing out Camels to my kids. 3 - Good

Director: Jason Reitman
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Cameron Bright, William H. Macy, Katie Holmes
Rated R
92 minutes

The Strangers (2008)

I almost soiled myself this movie was so scary. What more can you ask from a horror movie? 4 - Excellent

Director: Bryan Bertino
Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Glenn Howerton
Rated R
86 minutes

Gorp (1980)

Watching this movie was kind of like watching Animal House, except it took place in a camp and contained absolutely no funny parts. Even a young Fran Drescher in very tight 1980's shorts wasn't enough to save this movie. 0 - Bomb

Director: Joseph Ruben
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Fran Drescher, Michael Lembeck, Philip Casnoff, Rosanna Arquette
Rated R
90 minutes

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

I have watched many silent "classics" and ended up falling asleep about halfway through many of them. Not this one though. The shots are beautiful and the level of emotion the actors convey without talking is simply amazing. 4 - Excellent

Director: F.W.Murnau
Cast: George O'Brien, Janet Gaynor, Margaret Livingston
Unrated
94 minutes

The Wicker Man (1973)

This is the best movie I've seen all year. Do not confuse it with the piece of crap remake starring Nicholas Cage. 4 - Excellent

Director: Robin Hardy
Cast: Edward Woodward, Britt Ekland, Christopher Lee
Rated R
88 minutes

Go (1999)

When I typed up my review for this movie, my browser put a red line under the word "lapdance" to indicate that it is not a word. You can't see it, but trust me, the red line is there. Apparently it's written as two words: "lap dance". Who knew? Not me, that's for sure. They left that one off of the vocabulary test. Anyway, this is a good movie, and you should go see it. It has so many good parts, I can't decide which one is my favorite. Not bad for a movie that I had never even heard of a week ago. 4 - Excellent

Director: Doug Liman
Cast: Desmond Askew, Jane Krakowski, Jay Mohr, Katie Holmes, Sarah Polley, Scott Wolf
Rated R
102 minutes

Hard Candy (2005)

The girl from Juno turns the tables on a child predator. Ms. Scarlet from Clue would be proud. 3 - Good

Director: David Slade
Cast: Ellen Page, Patrick Wilson
Rated R
104 minutes

The Libertine (2004)

Incomprehensible and boring, I fell asleep twice while watching this. The second time I woke up Johnny Depp was poking a naked woman with a stick. 1 - Bad

Director: Laurence Dunmore
Cast: Johnny Depp, John Malkovich
Rated R
114 minutes