The Virgin Spring (1960)

Film School Project #17: Reimagine The Last House on the Left in the Style of Bergman. 3 - Good

Director: Ingmar Bergman
Cast: Max von Sydow, Brigitta Pettersson, Birgitta Valberg, Gunnel Lindblom
Unrated
89 minutes

Safari 3000 (1982)

So many questions raced through my mind as I was watching this movie: Wasn't David Carradine already in two other road race movies? Why is Christopher Lee wearing a Darth Vader helmet? Stockyard Channing was in high school a few movies ago; why does she look so old now? Wait, what do you mean its Stockard, not Stockyard? What kind of a name is that? 0 - Bomb

Director: Harry Hurwitz
Cast: David Carradine, Stockard Channing, Christopher Lee, Hamilton Camp
Rated PG
92 minutes

The Silent Enemy (1930)

I'm pretty sure that some animals were harmed during the production of this movie, but only the delicious ones. 3 - Good

Director: H.P. Carver
Cast: Chief Yellow Robe, Chief Buffalo Child Long Lance, Chief Akawanush, Spotted Elk, Cheeka
Unrated
84 minutes

A Dirty Shame (2004)

Watch it just for Big Ethel. And the Three Bears. And the meat touching. And the... Ok, there are lots of reasons to watch this. For immature adults only. 3 - Good

Director: John Waters
Cast: Tracey Ullman, Johnny Knoxville, Selma Blair, Chris Isaak, Suzanne Shepherd, Mink Stole, Patty Hearst, David Hasselhoff
Rated R
84 minutes

Miracle Beach (1992)

This movie is about as good as you would expect from a director who can't even spell his name right. 1 - Bad

Director: Skott Snider
Cast: Dean Cameron, Ami Dolenz, Felicity Waterman, Pat Morita, Dean Cain, Martin Mull, Vincent Schiavelli
Rated R
88 minutes

Dark City - Director's Cut (1998)

It really seems like a movie about aliens that capture Jennifer Connelly in order to perform perverse experiments on her should be much more interesting than this was. 2 - Meh

Director: Alex Proyas
Cast: Rufus Sewell, John Murdoch, William Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland, Jennifer Connelly
Rated R
111 minutes

The Raven (1963)

We need more movies where the special effects consist of images that were hand drawn directly onto the film stock. 3 - Good

Director: Roger Corman
Writer: Richard Matheson
Cast: Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff, Hazel Court, Olive Sturgess, Jack Nicholson
Rated G
86 minutes

Pinocchio's Revenge (1996)

Despite being about a possessed murderous doll, this movie is nothing like Child's Play. Child's play was at least watchable. 0 - Bomb

Director: Kevin Tenney
Cast: Rosalind Allen, Brittany Alyse Smith, Candace McKenzie, Ivan Gueron, Janet MacLachlan, Janis Chow
Rated R
96 minutes

Ha-Bayit Berechov Chelouche (1973)

The main thing I learned from this movie is that wife beaters were very popular in British controlled Palestine. 3 - Good

Also Known As: The House on Chelouche Street
Director: Moshé Mizrahi
Cast: Gila Almagor, Ofer Shalhin, Michal Bat-Adam, Rolf Brin, Joseph Shiloach
Unrated
110 minutes

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

I'm glad they felt the need to draw in a lightning bolt when the science teacher shocks the student. Otherwise I might not have known what happened. 3 - Good

Director: J. Lee Thompson
Cast: Melissa Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, Lawrence Dane, Sharon Acker, Frances Hyland, Tracey E. Bregman
Rated R
110 minutes

Tsumiki no ie (2008)

Is this French or Japanese? 3 - Good

Also Known As: La Maison en Petits Cubes
Director: Kunio Katô
Cast: Masami Nagasawa
Unrated
12 minutes

Days of Heaven (1978)

The cinematography is beautiful and the score are amazing. Too bad the story is really, really boring. 1 - Bad

Director: Terrence Malick
Music: Ennio Morricone
Cinematography: Néstor Almendros
Cast: Richard Gere, Brooke Adams, Sam Shepard, Linda Manz
Rated PG
94 minutes

Children of Men (2006)

During the really long shot in the bombed out apartment complex in Bexhill the blood on the camera magically disappears. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. 4 - Excellent

Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Cast: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Clare-Hope Ashitey, Pam Ferris, Michael Caine
Rated R
109 minutes

How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

3 - Good

Directors: Dean DeBlois, Chris Sanders
Cast: Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera
Rated PG
98 minutes

Save Me (1994)

If you've ever wondered what a Lifetime movie would be like with gratuitous nudity, then this is the movie for you. 0 - Bomb

Director: Alan Roberts
Cast: Harry Hamlin, Lysette Anthony, Michael Ironside, Olivia Hussey, Steve Railsback
Rated R
93 minutes

The Queen (2006)

After watching this I feel sorry for Queen Elizabeth. After all, Helen Mirren is better at being her than she is. 2 - Meh

Director: Stephen Frears
Cast: Helen Mirren, Michael Sheen, James Cromwell, Sylvia Syms, Alex Jennings
Rated PG-13
103 minutes

Titanic (1997)

This story is much more compelling if you imagine that the old lady is making the whole thing up à la Verbal Kint. Bonus Fact: Gloria Stuart, who played the old lady, also played a bag lady in an episode of Manimal. 3 - Good

Director: James Cameron
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates, Bill Paxton, Gloria Stuart
Rated PG-13
194 minutes

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

I spent this whole movie trying to decide if Kate Winslet is hot or not. I'm still not sure. 3 - Good

Director: Michel Gondry
Cast: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood, Mark Ruffalo, Kirsten Dunst, Tom Wilkinson
Rated R
108 minutes

The Dirt Gang (1972)

I dare you to watch this and not fast forward until you get to the big topless party scene. 0 - Bomb

Director: Jerry Jameson
Cast: Paul Carr, Michael Pataki, Lee de Broux, Jon Shank
Rated R
89 minutes

Fight Club (1999)

This movie is very shocking. For example, I was shocked by how much Meat Loaf has let himself go. 4 - Excellent

Director: David Fincher
Cast: Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf, Zach Grenier
Rated R
139 minutes

A Bucket of Blood (1959)

This movie reportedly cost only $50,000 to make and was filmed in 5 days. Most impressive, Mr. Corman. 5 - Outstanding

Director: Roger Corman
Cast: Dick Miller, Ed Nelson, Bert Convy
Unrated
66 minutes

The Accidental Tourist (1988)

I saw this movie years ago on a very long and boring cross-country flight. It was terrible. However, since all in-flight movies are terrible I gave it a second chance and watched it again more recently. Unfortunately, it was still terrible. 1 - Bad

Director: Lawrence Kasdan
Cast: William Hurt, Kathleen Turner, Geena Davis, David Ogden Stiers, Ed Begley Jr.
Rated PG
121 minutes

Alice in Wonderland (1903)

It's nice to know that people did drugs in 1903 too. 2 - Meh

Directors: Cecil M. Hepworth, Percy Stow
Cast: May Clark
Unrated
8 minutes

Kumonosu-jô (1957)

How you can make a version of MacBeth and not work "Eye of Newt" into the dialog somewhere is beyond me. On the other hand, "Throne of Blood" has a lot more pizazz than "The Tragedy of Macbeth", so I guess things even out. 3 - Good

Also Known As: Throne of Blood
Director: Akira Kurosawa
Cast: Toshirô Mifune, Isuzu Yamada, Akira Kubo, Takashi Shimura
Unrated
110 minutes

Ordinary People (1980)

Did M. Emmet Walsh go by M. when he was a kid? Did he dream of growing up to be a character actor? Does anyone dream of growing up to be a character actor? 2 - Meh

Director: Robert Redford
Cast: Donald Sutherland, Mary Tyler Moore, Judd Hirsch, Timothy Hutton, Elizabeth McGovern, M. Emmet Walsh
Rated R
124 minutes

Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949)

A delightful romp for those of us who enjoy watching Alec Guinness get bumped off. 4 - Excellent

Director: Robert Hamer
Cast: Dennis Price, Alec Guinness, Joan Greenwood, Valerie Hobson
Unrated
106 minutes

Roundhay Garden Scene (1888)

This haunting 2 second clip from 1888 is the world's oldest home movie. 4 - Excellent

Director: Louis Aimé Augustin Le Prince
Cast: Harriet Hartley, Adolphe Le Prince, Joseph Whitley, Sarah Whitley
Unrated
2 seconds

The Hurt Locker (2008)

This has to be the only war movie where the heroes share a Capri Sun juice pouch while pinned down by sniper fire. 3 - Good

Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Cast: Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty, Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes, David Morse, Evangeline Lilly
Rated R
131 minutes

Alien (1979)

This was on TV just now, and the Emergency Alert System interrupted Sigourney Weaver's climactic underwear scene with a test message. Fifteen minutes later Heaven's Gate was starting on the same channel. They couldn't have waited fifteen minutes? 4 - Excellent

Director: Ridley Scott
Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Veronica Cartwright, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, Ian Holm, Yaphet Kotto
Rated R
117 minutes

The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

This movie is basically one junior high phallic joke after another. Plus, a dude who is not Hugh Grant gets his junk bitten by a fanged woman. Male genital mutilation in movies is now officially a trend. 2 - Meh

Director: Ken Russell
Cast: Amanda Donohoe, Hugh Grant, Catherine Oxenberg
Rated R
93 minutes

Main Street on the March! (1941)

Go USA! Defeat the Axis powers! 3 - Good

Director: Edward L. Cahn
Cast: John Nesbitt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, George C. Marshall
Unrated
20 minutes

Forrest Gump (1994)

The part where he sits on the stump staring out into space while the feather blows around always creeps me out. 4 - Excellent

Director: Robert Zemeckis
Cast: Tom Hanks, Robin Wright Penn, Gary Sinise, Mykelti Williamson, Sally Field
Rated PG-13
142 minutes

Boxcar Bertha (1972)

I once saw a documentary about Martin Scorsese where he said that he got yelled at by a film professor for making this. All I really remember about this movie is that Barbara Hershey slides out of her clothes a few times. 2 - Meh

Producer: Roger Corman
Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Barbara Hershey, David Carradine, Barry Primus, Bernie Casey, John Carradine
Rated R
88 minutes

Gummo (1997)

Don't watch this movie if you really like cats or concrete storylines. 3 - Good

Director: Harmony Korine
Cast: Jacob Sewell, Nick Sutton, Jacob Reynolds, Chloë Sevigny, Wendall Carr
Rated R
89 minutes

11:14 (2003)

This is the second movie I've seen this month where a dude loses part of his, uh, bits and pieces. I hope this isn't becoming a trend. 2 - Meh

Director: Greg Marcks
Cast: Barbara Hershey, Colin Hanks, Hilary Swank, Patrick Swayze, Shawn Hatosy, Rachael Leigh Cook
Rated R
85 minutes

La jetée (1962)

Hopefully other film makers can learn something by watching this. Just think of how many other movies would be better if they were only 28 minutes long. 4 - Excellent

Director: Chris Marker
Cast: Jean Négroni, Hélène Chatelain, Davos Hanich, Jacques Ledoux
Unrated
28 minutes

Chariots of Fire (1981)

Be prepared for lots of running scenes. 2 - Meh

Director: Hugh Hudson
Cast: Nicholas Farrell, Nigel Havers, Ian Charleson, Ben Cross, Daniel Gerroll, Ian Holm, John Gielgud
Rated PG
124 minutes

CSPAN never looked so good

Why are boring television shows more interesting with the sound off?

Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)

I bet you didn't know that Dee Snider is in this movie. Or that Phil Hartman was one of the writers. Well, now you do. 3 - Good

Director: Tim Burton
Cast: Paul Reubens, Elizabeth Daily
Rated PG
90 minutes

Oldboy (2003)

If you like weird Asian movies where people get their teeth ripped out, then this movie is for you. 4 - Excellent

Director: Chan-wook Park
Cast: Min-sik Choi, Ji-tae Yu, Hye-jeong Kang, Dae-han Ji, Seung-Shin Lee
Rated R
120 minutes

Tit for Tat (1935)

This time Oliver's hat gets cut in two with a deli slicer by the grocer that they are feuding with. 3 - Good

Director: Charley Rogers
Cast: Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy
Unrated
19 minutes

Once Upon a Time in America (1984)

In this film a young and very beautiful Jennifer Connelly grows up to be an average looking Elizabeth McGovern. Definitely a tragedy of the highest order. Seek out the uncut version. 4 - Excellent

Director: Sergio Leone
Cast: Robert De Niro, James Woods, Jennifer Connelly, Elizabeth McGovern, Joe Pesci, Burt Young
Rated R
229 minutes

Le million (1931)

This is the freshest, most original movie I've seen in quite a while. And it's from 1931. I think maybe that I need to get out more. 5 - Outstanding

Director: René Clair
Cast: Annabella, René Lefèvre
Unrated
81 minutes

Necropolis (1987)

This is the only movie I've ever seen that contains a woman with six breasts. Downside: They are really fake looking and oozing a disgusting ectoplasmic fluid. 0 - Bomb

Director: Bruce Hickey
Cast: LeeAnne Baker, Michael Conte, Jacquie Fitz
Rated R
77 minutes

Thank You For Smoking (2005)

I despise smoking, but by the end of this movie I was puffing away and passing out Camels to my kids. 3 - Good

Director: Jason Reitman
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Cameron Bright, William H. Macy, Katie Holmes
Rated R
92 minutes

The Strangers (2008)

I almost soiled myself this movie was so scary. What more can you ask from a horror movie? 4 - Excellent

Director: Bryan Bertino
Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Glenn Howerton
Rated R
86 minutes

Gorp (1980)

Watching this movie was kind of like watching Animal House, except it took place in a camp and contained absolutely no funny parts. Even a young Fran Drescher in very tight 1980's shorts wasn't enough to save this movie. 0 - Bomb

Director: Joseph Ruben
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Fran Drescher, Michael Lembeck, Philip Casnoff, Rosanna Arquette
Rated R
90 minutes

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

I have watched many silent "classics" and ended up falling asleep about halfway through many of them. Not this one though. The shots are beautiful and the level of emotion the actors convey without talking is simply amazing. 4 - Excellent

Director: F.W.Murnau
Cast: George O'Brien, Janet Gaynor, Margaret Livingston
Unrated
94 minutes

The Wicker Man (1973)

This is the best movie I've seen all year. Do not confuse it with the piece of crap remake starring Nicholas Cage. 4 - Excellent

Director: Robin Hardy
Cast: Edward Woodward, Britt Ekland, Christopher Lee
Rated R
88 minutes

Go (1999)

When I typed up my review for this movie, my browser put a red line under the word "lapdance" to indicate that it is not a word. You can't see it, but trust me, the red line is there. Apparently it's written as two words: "lap dance". Who knew? Not me, that's for sure. They left that one off of the vocabulary test. Anyway, this is a good movie, and you should go see it. It has so many good parts, I can't decide which one is my favorite. Not bad for a movie that I had never even heard of a week ago. 4 - Excellent

Director: Doug Liman
Cast: Desmond Askew, Jane Krakowski, Jay Mohr, Katie Holmes, Sarah Polley, Scott Wolf
Rated R
102 minutes

Hard Candy (2005)

The girl from Juno turns the tables on a child predator. Ms. Scarlet from Clue would be proud. 3 - Good

Director: David Slade
Cast: Ellen Page, Patrick Wilson
Rated R
104 minutes

The Libertine (2004)

Incomprehensible and boring, I fell asleep twice while watching this. The second time I woke up Johnny Depp was poking a naked woman with a stick. 1 - Bad

Director: Laurence Dunmore
Cast: Johnny Depp, John Malkovich
Rated R
114 minutes

Corn beef on rye sounds so good right now

I have been eating fourthmeal for years only I didn't know it. Looking back now, it never bothered me that I didn't have a good name for my nightly food ritual. Midnight snack was the closest thing except it was much more than a snack and it usually happened at 2 in the morning, not midnight.

So along comes Taco Bell with their forthmeal ad campaign. I don't eat at Taco Bell much anymore, but for whatever reason the name immediately worked for me. It was completely natural and it stuck.

It makes me wonder what else in my life needs a name.